Adulting Agreement

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost before in terms of where I want to go and where I want to be.

I thought I had my life planned out for Korea, but clearly, it wasn’t the case now that I have been here for three months and already feeling antsy to leave for the next country.

I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to prove myself to others that I have to be the kind of artist that I’ve deprived myself so long to be. It feels really weird to know how much time I have and at the same time don’t.

Work has been taking a lot of time when it comes to lesson planning. Despite my endeavors to pursue a teaching career, I try not to let my current job title define me. A recent incident has been making me doubt myself, my validity, to the point that my self-confidence has been in the drains lately.

Now, I know that I am not a bad teacher but it really hurts my pride when it’s a mistake that I get a feeling that others would avoid out of common sense. Maybe it’s because of the many traumatic experiences at my past workplaces, where I keep being called out for my mistakes.

But at the end of the day, isn’t what your twenties are supposed to be? Making all of these stupid mistakes? Just fucking up? When do they end? Or do they ever? And am I the only one making them? Hopefully, not.

I find that being part of society has been a constant struggle. Besides the fact that I think that society has screwed us up in many ways, I also feel that there’s this constant pressure not to screw up. To add to that, another realization that I’ve made from screwing up is that the consequences are heavier as you get older, which is something I didn’t ask for when I signed the adulting agreement.

Wish me luck in the next few months,

Jess.

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