Redirecting My Energy

Do you know what’s funny?

Despite having decided to stay and live in one place for a year, I never felt like I was “in one place.” There’s always something that I need to work on or somewhere to tend to every single day.

My attempts at establishing complete stability in my life have been futile, but it would be ridiculous to say that that’s something bad to admit. Yes, there have been many ups and downs – as how life should be – but constantly experiencing changes in my life means that I am growing (which is great since that’s the basic minimum of living here).

I have lived in Boston for almost half a year now and am very grateful for all of the lessons I’ve gotten out of my experiences, both personal and professional. 3 months in Boston and I already got a new job, internship, apartment, roommates, friends, routine, etc. The real world really isn’t that hard to survive in and I don’t know how much I would credit my college degree for this accomplishment. There might have been a little bit of luck (or good karma, ha-ha) involved but I am f******* proud to say that I am able to take care of myself and live on my own. #strongindependentwoman

The next step is really taking care of myself.

I’ve been working on and finishing projects that I’ve started since the beginning of summer. FINALLY. When your girl says that she’s going to work on them, she’s going to work on them.

However, several recent events have made me feel constantly disappointed and overall inadequate. A lot of trust in others has been lost as a result as well – is this what being jaded by the real world feels like?

It finally took me one conversation with a friend of mine to really get to the root of why I’ve been feeling inadequate, though. Actually, it took one question from her for me realize what I’ve been doing wrong, “Have you been taking care of yourself?” (My mom was the first person who kept pounding this question at me but I didn’t really got around to processing it until now, oops.)

And as much as I’d like to say that I am, I could do so much better than how I’ve been treating myself lately.

Being at a low point in March, I started seeking outside sources for comfort and self-fulfillment, anything that would keep my mind distracted from the daily stressors  (i.e. volunteering, freelancing, dating, etcetera). This “constant seeking” hasn’t stopped since then. Over time, I lost sight of my own self worth that I thought that investing even more energy into pleasing others would help make me feel better about myself. It actually hurt me more than helped because I was expending more energy for others than they did for me.  Lesson one: people can be so self-interested to the point that they are unaware of the consequences that they put on others.

Another lesson I learned is that I feel so much better when I am focused on the things I want to do for my own benefit (no brainer, right?). From taking exercise classes to trying new receipts to making art to blogging to even preparing for my future travels, I feel empowered through accomplishing these small activities. I’ve had had to relearn to see value in myself by investing in my own physical, mental, and emotional health.

So, new goal: be selfish. Begin to gradually cut down on projects and redirect my energy to myself so that I am no longer feeling tired for the sake of the others. Because I miss the me before March, and I am tired of being tired (more sleep would help, too).

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2 thoughts on “Redirecting My Energy

  1. katyayanishukla says:

    you completely nailed it with this post… couldn’t agree with you more… being selfish has always had a very negative tone but as time goes on I have also realised that selfish also sometimes means self preservation….. loved the post…

    • Jessica Nguyen says:

      Thank you, thank you. Yes, self preservation are the perfect word choices. After reading your comment, I can tell you that you were able to connect with this piece, which also means that we were able to connect with each other as well, and that makes me really happy to know.

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